Castle

"So where do we start today?" I asked Monk. It was early. The town at the base of the mountain was still rising from its slumber. The light from behind the summit had yet to come from through the windows.

"We first start by finding the roots of your current problems." He replied, sitting down perpendicular from the fire, motioning for me to sit across from him. "It is from there we delve deeper into the soul."

"Well in that case," I smiled, "we're gonna be here for a while."

He did not chortle in return. He grabbed a tea kettle from the fire and placed it between us.

"What is it you want most in life?" He began, reaching for two cups.

"Sorry?" I stopped.

"What is it you want most in life?" He repeated without a change in tone.

"To be happy?" I stuttered.

"Well of course." He beamed. "But what is it you want right now?"

"To..." I drifted, "be happy? I'm sorry where are you going with this?"

"You can say a lot about what you want your life to become; especially with someone with as articulate of a mind as you." He said while pouring out the tea. "But as problems arise in our life, that vision is altered. Sometimes minutely, and sometimes drastically."

"So you really just want to know what I want?"

"Yes."

"You don't already know?"

"I know everything about you." He handed me a cup. "But you need to be the one to say it; not me."

"I want to be successful."

"Go on?"

"I want to be a successful writer." I thought. "That's really the biggest thing. Everything else will just fall into place around it."

"As much as I can appreciate an axiom such as that, I want you to paint me the picture of your future. You know what it looks like. Show me."

"Uh," I faltered, "I mean outside of writing, I just want to be happy. I want to be independently wealthy from it so that I can help my friends and my family. I want a close group of friends to be there with me. I want to travel and see the world. I want to be with someone special throughout all of it."

I stopped, and drew in a breath.

"Ah," Monk stated, "I believe that we have found your current problem."

"So how do I work around this?"

"I need you to think back to when you first met Love and the King of Hearts." He asked, straightening his back. "Describe them to me."

"Well, Love is just love, right?"

"Love is your representation of the emotion of love. She embodies the physical attraction that you find in people, but also the deep emotional bonds that you will make with people."

"So then what does the King represent?"

"The idea of being in a relationship." He expressed. "The King preaches a dogma that one must be next to him, on a throne. He thinks that someone just being there is enough to satiate the hunger that Love craves. But is ideology is nothing more than a fallacy, built on top of a castle of cards."

"So then why bother listening to him in the first place?" I asked, drinking the still scalding tea.

"Because when the King of Hearts speaks up, you find the courage to go search for romance."

"Isn't that Love's responsibility?"

"If Love is left to be the one to guide you in the direction you want to be in, you will never find a forever-lasting love. But if you leave the duty to the King, you will never maintain a relationship for too long."

"So," I started, "the King will guide me to love, but Love will help me keep it?"

"Correct." He held his hands out.

"So then why is it so much harder than it seems to find romance in the first place?"

"Because neither the King, nor Love are whole; they are both damaged from the past."

"I am too..." I sighed.

"But the only way to make them whole again is to let life takes its course; let King guide you in the right direction, and then let Love take over."

"I just want someone." I mumbled. "I want to hold them in my arms and share in their warmth at night. I want to kiss their lips and share with them both the secrets and truths that bind my life together."

"And the King will lead you in that direction."

"But I want that some person to be more than just that." I wiped a tear from my eye. "I want them to be there for the rest of my days. I want them to be just as close with my friends as I am to them. I want them to be there when I reach the highest summits, but I need them to be there when I fall into the abyss, and I can't find a way to get out."

"And Love will help to find that person too."

"But it's like I can't."

"Explain."

"I am, at the same time, equal parts 'desperate to share my entire life with someone,' and 'desperate to keep my soul shut from anyone who would dare venture that deep.' Is that normal?"

"Given your circumstance," he assured, "I would say yes."

"It should be easier." I continued. "But it isn't. There's been a gap in my heart for a very long time."

"What has happened when you try to fill it?"

"I don't try that often."

"And why is that?"

"Because I'm afraid that the piece that fills it will never fit." I whimpered. "And I'm afraid to even try in fear that I'll damage whatever's left around it."

There was a silence that filled the hall. I heard the ashes of the incense fall into the bowl.

"This is a hard spot to get out of." He murmured.

"The wind blowing through the gap has gotten colder as of late." I told him. "I want to fix it, but I'm too scared to."

"I understand."

"What do I do?"

"This is, unfortunately, the part where I tell you that I don't have an answer."

"Why not?"

"These sessions are so that you may find yourself, and so that you may be the one to find these answers on your own. So that you may look at these emotions and let them lead the way."

"You don't even have so much as advice as to what I should do?"

"I do."

"What?"

"Let Love and King be the ones to guide your actions. King will find someone, and Love will get you attached to them."

"What then?"

"You'll know." He smiled. "You're smart enough to know when life shows you a path. And you're smart enough to let your instincts guide you down that path."

He stood up, and walked to the door, motioning for me to follow.

"Come back to me when you are ready once more." He told me, walking with me to the front door.

"How will I know when it's time to come back?"

"You'll know." He nodded, opening up the door, letting in the piercing light. "The voices will grow too loud."